Why I Created This...Finding A Home Within Myself

Why I Created This...Finding A Home Within Myself

I’m A Nomad and a Wanderer. I’ve had 45 addresses in 42 years.

Why did I move so much? I moved for work, I moved because I wanted to experience new places, and I moved because every time I was somewhere new I learned something new. I learned something new about myself, about different cultures, and the perspectives of people in those places. 

A few years ago, I started to look at nomadic journeys and wandering in a different way. I’d realized I was longing to find a physical place I could call home, but I was also looking for a place where I felt I could belong.

I was also looking for a place where I could be at home with myself, while belonging to the community I was a part of. 

The Wandering Stopped 

Two years ago (yes, thank you COVID), I finally experienced my final “AHA” moment…a moment that was also my breaking point. I’d been slowly peeling the layers for years on my life to find what was right for me, and embrace it. It had been a slow process because I’d had responsibilities to people, my business, and more. 

And in a heartbeat, our world shuttered, and the only place to go was IN. We had to stay in our homes to slow the spread of the virus. In mandate to stay IN our homes, as people, we all had the opportunity to go into ourselves. And that’s what I did, and I went deep. 

In the self-analysis, I looked at many things. How I lived, what did and didn’t make me happy, and I looked for patterns in what made me joyful. One of the occurring themes was HOME. It’s then I realized that HOME was more than a physical place to me. 

What did 45 addresses and 215,000 miles driven, truly represent?

I was really looking to be at home within myself.

I realized it meant being true to myself. I had slowly started to figure out who I was and started to get to know her. But now, it was time to go all in.

What I Found When I Went Inward

Discovering who I was required me to unpack many things. My perceptions, my thoughts, my emotions. I found that in order to get in touch with my own humanity and discover who I actually was, “why” I was here, and what I was meant to truly be. I had to face a lot of unaddressed trauma and deep held belief. 

  • The process wasn’t quick and it wasn’t clean. 
  • It was dynamic, nonlinear, and messy.
  • It was down right DIRTY
  • Especially on the floor of your horse stable office. 

Facing The World You Created For Yourself Is Not Pretty

To discover who I was started with me looking at everything I wasn’t. I wasn’t the life I’d built for myself. I was not the profession or business I’d built. I wasn’t happy in the house I owned or the state I lived in. My life was based on what society said I should be. 

“Wow,” I thought to myself. “You’ve become what culture told you to be. Isn’t it funny how you created a life based on what you market to others?” 

At that time, I couldn’t articulate what I needed. I could only articulate what I didn’t. So I secretly burned it all down. I sold the house and moved. I slowly and silently began closing my business, releasing clients and turning down new work. 

I started exploring what I did want, and tried new things. But even then, I found myself falling into old ideas that my brain and ego pushed because of their need to be able to define things. 

Then one morning, I asked myself:

“What matters most?”

And my answer was:

“My own mental health and inner wellbeing. And my horses."

So that was it, that became my guiding value as I explored what was to come next. 

I Realized That My Inner Wellbeing Mattered Most

From there, I fell into the self-help and world of woo hard. I explored everything from spirituality to biohacking, quantum physics to neuroscience. As I explored, I started to unpack my life.

I unpacked the physical things like attachment to and ownership of possessions (that was the easiest part). I also unpacked emotional trauma and the stories I’d told myself to cope. My mind was so overrun, and I needed to quiet it down. 

So how was I going to do that?  I created a list of everything that made me feel centered, mentally present, and at ease. The list was short:

  • Creating in visual and written forms
  • Horses
  • Living life mindfully: simple, slow, but vibrantly

Knowing that these things mattered most grounded me. It also helped me see that they could all be woven together in a way that helped me live and be what mattered to me, but also use it to help others. 

I then asked myself, “What can I do with that?” My answer was short as well, “Use those things to create a practice for women that quiet their minds and manage their anxiety, just as did for yourself.”

In order to accomplish that, I started studying mindfulness and breathwork, in addition to yoga and horses, to create a new way of living. 

In Quieting My Mind, I Found My Purpose

While I was doing it, I made promise to myself to make what I was developing based on simplicity and make sustainable. I wanted to create practices and tools that also allowed for the messy, the dynamic journey to unfold. I wanted to created non-linear tools that allowed their user to account for the  dirtiness of changing how you think a beautiful exploration.

So I created Practice Dirty, it's a eight-week program program that I designed for women over the ages of 40, who work in technology,  to help them quiet their minds, a connect with the home that's present within themselves. 

Seattle Equine-Assisted Meditation Retreats

Owning Your Journey 

I will say, I’m still on this journey. But I am in a place where I can start to help others begin their journey. I know I was meant to share this with you. Your journey will not be the same as mine. 

We have different lives, different values, different cultures, and that’s okay. None of that matters here. What matters is that you want to start a way to find a “calm and knowing” that works for you. Ways to be present, to focus on what matters to you, and to help yourself in your journey to inner wellbeing. 

If you practice with me, my workshopsprogram, and breathwork series are is designed to help you get started, no matter where you are. I made it simple, approachable, and actionable because changing your habits, which is changing behavior, is really hard. And it takes years.

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